Binge eating disorder (B.E.D.) has haunted me on-and-off for 5 years now, the prime years where I should be having the most fun as a regular teenage girl. I wasn’t fat at age 15, but for some nonsense reasons, I started dieting coupled with massive amount of cardio trying to lose weight. At the end of year 2010, I weighted 48kg by dieting the wrong way: limiting calorie intake, not consuming proper nutrients, eating the same food group for over a year, so on and so forth. Every night before bed I’d enjoy the gurgling sound of my stomach and the bony feeling when my pelvic bone pressed against the bed from lack of flesh. I looked so small and guys in school liked me!
I was dating a senior who was 3 years older than me at that time, but things went bad between us and that was the ultimate trigger for my binge eating disorder.When he broke up with me, I couldn’t hold back anymore. Negative emotions came pouring out and nothing could stop them from overwhelming me. Younger Claire didn’t know how to handle relationships and the heartbroken feeling associated with it, so I ate, like a pig. I’d stuff bread, cereal, and stuffs that hadn’t had for a year, into my face like there is no tomorrow.
For the first time I felt in control, the sugar rush was such a pleasant feeling. I still binge occasionally until this day. Countless online self-help articles, videos, books, nothing yet can help me overcome this ugly disease that sticks with me. I can’t express how much I want this to be gone so I can live my beautiful, amazing life. I hate to look into mirrors because of my fucked-up face from binge eating. I couldn’t look deeply into my crush’s eyes and received his kiss because I’m overly self-conscious, which eventually pulled him away from me. There are so many wonderful things I have missed out in my life, how can I make this better? I don’t know.
2016, I’m 21 year-old now. I’m majoring in Nutrition in the United States and this summer marks my one-year anniversary with yoga. I’m still the Claire with the fucked-up face, I still binge when things got out of control, but I certainly have gained some different perspectives about life, and how B.E.D. has made me a unique and stronger girl. Without it, I wouldn’t have got into yoga, fitness, healthy eating, and all those wonderful people I’ve met along my journey. Binge eating disorder is what makes me who I am today, and I’m proud of myself.