Guess what time it is right now? It’s 10:57pm. Almost going to skip journalling today, but I don’t want to break this promise that I made myself.
I just came back from a Melaka trip with my grandparents and parents and my youngest brother. Traveling has always been a challenge for me because I tend to overeat. I never understood why I dislike traveling, through an awakened mind, now I know why I didn’t enjoy going away from home. I couldn’t feel when I’m at home, in my comfort zone, let alone when I go away to new places. Plus I’m always restricting myself from certain foods, that makes me crave and binge when I see food that I couldn’t have easy access to. Overeating would make our body bloat and that feeling is very unpleasant. I feel fat.
After all those reasoning from reading The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari, I was able to not overeat because now I understand better that I don’t need more energy from food when I already feel full. At some point I felt like giving in to the temptation to binge and go back to the way how I’d always behave, but I didn’t! This is improvement for me finding my path back to my authentic self, but of course it was difficult when I resisted the urge. Julian said in the book:” These are the defining moments where changes happen”, and I totally agree.
Going through paths I walked before when I was younger, I discovered that I was under heavy influence from my family, especially my mother. When we were having buffet breakfast, walking down Jonker Street, along the journey sitting in the car, she’s made some very unwise eating decisions and I had always followed. That’s how I was brought up, and I didn’t know that I didn’t like it, that I don’t work that way. This Melaka trip was one perfect opportunity for my self-reflection and self-discovery.
Other than that, I still find it challenging to be around my grandparents, who once used to raise me…. It is truly sad. I was so impatient when they tried to talk to me, I know it’s wrong but this is one of my behaviors that I can’t control. I am just simply not interested in the things that they say, and I was also caught up in my own shit. But I’m glad that we had some meaningful conversation during buffet breakfast at Holiday Inn Hotel. This might be the last time I got to travel with my grandparents because they’re getting older and weaker.
One more thing I wanted to talk about is my relationship with my mom. She does things very differently from me. To be honest, her non-existence punctuality really pisses me off. Sometimes she thinks in a very ridiculous, childish way. BUT, she is also one of the most loving, caring, compassionate women I’ve seen. I am a short-tempered person and I often hurt her in a lot of ways. I want to fix this and build a better mother-daughter relationship. She has always wanted to practice yoga with me by the beach or poolside, but I rejected her in an instant for no reason; she wanted to take a picture with me in front of a cool vintage house, but I pushed her away for no reason. I don’t understand why I did what I did. They were like reflex actions, my subconscious doesn’t want to too. Why? How? Am I that annoyed by my mom’s personality? But she’s the person who love me the most in this whole wide world. I AM SUCH AN UNGRATEFUL DAUGHTER. WHAT SHOULD I DO?
This is a journal of my two-day Melaka trip, it’s a little longer than usual.
17 more days at home.
He didn’t reply to my snap.
I want to make more friends.
Good night, world.