I’m gaining some new perspective this morning when I was reading some blogposts about camera. This is part of my self-reflection: I’m always rushing through words when I have to read. My brain doesn’t really focus on the content, I just want to get to the end and be done with it. Why? Why. Do people also have trouble like this? It’s probably because I just want the reward ASAP without wanting to actually gaining the knowledge and understanding behind whatever I want at that moment (for example, a camera).

This has to change. This is the inner work that I have to work on myself. This is the difficult part, to rewire my brain. But I know that if I conquer this part of myself, there is a whole new level of beautiful, amazing world that I can be exposed to. It’s almost like I’m worrying that my brain will use up all of the energy and I’ll feel worn out and hungry.

Now it’s all starting to make sense to me…. Everything links back to my dieting when I was 15. Limiting calorie intake and depriving my body the nutrients that I needed was the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life so far. Dieting completely changed my relationship with food in a bad way and also stopping me from doing normal, meaningful things in life. I still remember how I used to suck up my belly ALL THE TIME trying to look paper-thin in my high school uniform, like it was going to prove some point. The only point proven was that I was an idiot. Sucking in my core only cut off the oxygen that my brain needed for it to function and thrive, guess that explains why I was blanking out most of the time back in the days. I also shut off emotions, people, friendships, food, and my ability to think, so that I could give my full attention on how to be skinny. Yet never once I really thought about why did I ever start to have that line of thinking.

WHY- My grandfather was the one who taught me how to rope-jump when I was about 14-ish. I got addicted to the activity from the heavy-sweating and the endorphins that came after a good workout. Once I got the hang of rope-jumping, I was doing 1000-3000 in a day. I guess that was when my like-to-take-things-to-the-extreme developed. My calves were super strong that you can still see the effect on my super rounded muscle belly now. It was sick. Connecting the dots from my past, a lot of my current habits make sense to me now. It took me so long, so long to realize that too much of anything is not healthy.

SELF-REFLECT- Journalling is not only a conversation with myself, but also a record of my everyday spiritual growth. I like the idea of jotting down everything so I can have a neat record of my self-discovery. But lately I’m losing the focus of doing this. I just kind of doing this out of responsibility, but not really thinking about the inner reason of why I started: SELF-REFLECTION, so that I can make better decisions to create the life I want to live. Julian said: “The better you understand yourself, you can make better choices that serves you”. A quote a day from my favorite book: The Monk who Sold his Ferrari is a great idea for me to stay in touch with all the amazing things the book has offered me, so that I won’t lose myself along the way of self-discovery and creating the new life that I want.

Today is another chance for me to make smart choices and one step closer to revealing the pearl covered by sand.

Slow down, read, learn.



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