I feel like a piece of crap today, probably because of that I didn’t sleep well last night. My mind was so agitated by the idea that I am finally going back to Santa Barbara to start the semester. I am curious what would it be like when I return to the States with a totally new pair of lens to view the world, with all the feelings I am able to feel, what differences will these make to my life? Will it heal my incapability to love and smile? Will my body change over time because now I’m following my intuition when it comes to eating? Is my awkward period finally going to be over? Is this it? Is this the change? I am super excited to see how my life would turn out to be.
Been off social media for quite a while for couple reasons. Seeing all those awesome yoga poses and breathtaking sceneries and people doing cool stuffs and big smiles on their faces just threw me off balance. I get jealous when seeing so many people living their lives picture-perfect while I’m stuck here trying to fix my defective life. Too much negativity I have to stop myself right here.
One of the Niyamas in Yoga is santosa, which means contentment in English. Jealousy is a bad, bad emotion! I’m always going after things that don’t belong to me and take things that are in my possession for granted, for example: my parents, my friendships. This has to change if I want to find happiness. Everything I ever needed to be happy is already within me, why am I always pursuing something else? What are you trying to prove? You trying to be cool by befriending with the cool people and abandon those who who show you love and compassion? This theory can also be applied to the eating disorder that threw me off track in life: when I deprived my body the nutrients it needed to survive and function, my brain’s neurological pattern went haywire and put me in a binging situation because my body was trying to preserve as much food as possible as I was starving myself. In order to heal, I have to consciously remind myself (until this concept is deeply engrained in my brain) that I’m lack of nothing, that I don’t need to eat more than enough because I am feeding myself at appropriate times. One last area I can apply santosa is him. There is probably nothing going to happen between us anymore when new semester starts, but I have to understand that this is just a wrong timing and not be upset and shut everyone else off. We should not want things that don’t belong to us, this is Asteya & Aparagraha in Yoga. Everything we need will come to us by itself when proper time arrives.
Spent my day at home doing absolutely nothing except this conversation with myself. I also stumbled across a girl’s blog :STEPH YU. She recovered from Anorexia and currently living a loving, illuminated life in Adelaide. I’m happy to see that someone has walked passed the path I’m currently walking and is doing amazing in her life after recovery, but also a little bummed out to know that I’m not so special after all and cynical about my blogging. Wait, why should I care how other people are doing?
Gives zero fuck.
Do more. That is the right attitude Claire.