I can’t believe I allowed myself to skip journalling for two freaking days. I am very disappointed to myself for breaking this promise. I will try very very hard to not do that again. Remember how journalling helps bring you back to your intention? Do this everyday, don’t ever stop no matter how tired you feel by the end of the day.
I thought I was going to die when I was driving to school that morning. I got up late and ended up leaving home at 8:30. Parking at SBCC is IMPOSSIBLE if you’re not there by 7:45. Because I only had work at 11:30 plus I was emotionally and physically tired from all that’s going on in my life, I took my time waking up and picked the worst timing going to school thinking I could get a spot. I spent one fucking hour to find a parking spot. I felt helpless and had suicide thought while I was going round and round in the parking lot because it was so obvious that he is not interested in me anymore. That was the peak moment of my worst time.
After work I went over to Starbucks on De La Vina to study because I wanted to enjoy the yellow lighting and liveliness inside the store to keep me alive and not being alone. That was when I made a choice to call my dad and tell him everything about me and Oskar. Papa told me how guys think in terms of relationships and intimacy. Guys are very different from girls, they can play around and hangout with you without being attached and can leave whenever they are done. Girls are the ones who always put in too much emotional efforts and ended up sad and pathetic when they walked away because we thought he could be “the one”. I was saved by this conversation with papa. Everything seems to be so clear now. He was never really serious with me in the first place. That was when I know, I have to let go.
I haven’t felt even a hint of happiness since Monday he stopped replying to my text, but screw you Oskar. I deserve more. I don’t take shit from anybody.