42 | Thursday

I miss home. I miss my family. I miss being loved. I miss being surrounded by people all the time.

Santa Barbara is a lonely place. Is it me or is it truly hard to make connection here with people? I’ve been trying very hard to put on smiley face and be as welcoming as possible to other people. Sometimes it feels like I’m trying too hard to impress people, trying to gain acceptance from society. After summer, I don’t ever want to feel that way again. Social isolation is very scary. For the past two years in Santa Barbara, making friends had never been top of my priority list. Now I’m becoming so dependent on people. I crave attention ALL THE TIME. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

WHAT IS YOUR GOAL?

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Take some time, slow it down, and figure it out. Stop doing that to yourself please, it’s stupid.

Light on Yoga says there are four levels of students. I thought I belonged to the second level– an average seeker. But now the situation has changed and I’ve downgraded to the lowest level– a feeble seeker. A feeble seeker lacks enthusiasm, eat much, unstable, cowardly, dependent, speak harshly. The seeker can reach enlightenment in 12 years with a lot of effort.

I want to be free from food and body image, if I can just let go…

Today I want to dedicate myself to letting go of expectations. Let go of expectations from other people, let go of expectations of how things will turn out. Skyler said that everything will be okay, if you’re okay with everything. 

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