60 | Fight

Okay, it’s been too long, I need this conversation with myself to get back on track or else I don’t know where do I stand right now. What is the point anyway? Why am I given this life but to suffer and struggle and have fear and anxiety? All of those emotions and feeling make this world a living hell, so what’s the point of me fighting so hard for personal and spiritual growth? Where is the destination? What good is it going to bring me? WHAT IS THE POINT?  Having a conscious is a privilege as a human being, but I can’t even control my own fucking behavior because my brain is all messed up! What to do? I feel anger, fear, helpless, hopeless, and I couldn’t seem to find an answer as to what am I doing here on this planet.

I’m in deep confusion, my world-view is significantly changing, I don’t know what to believe anymore, and no one can help me.

The very exhausting binge cycle came back haunting me over and over again, but I have nowhere to hide because I need to go to school. If I miss lecture, I could just say bye to Berkeley. But again, what’s the point? You see that line of thinking? It’s a never ending cycle.

I did some research on how other people think about living and the purpose of living, some say it’s to understand our nature, and help others understand their nature too. But it’s not convincing enough. Some say the point of living is this life, what the fuck does that even mean? Not sure if I’ll find a satisfying answer anytime soon because I’ll drown in schoolwork again soon and no time to think about the philosophy of life. So for now, the purpose of living for me is to live a higher life.

I’m scared. I have so much but I feel empty, void. The worst part about this is I use food to fill the hole. I don’t know how to change my sick behavior because the neural pathway in my brain is used to it, so whenever I feel the emptiness, the urge to binge hits and nothing can stop me from the self-destructive eating. What do I do? Do I give up and surrender? Do I fight?

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