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12.31.2016 | it’s a day to reflect, let go, and reboot

2016 hasn’t exactly been my year, not the whole 2016, just the latter half. Claire was simply miserable; school, relationships, personal growth, and fitness level. In Fall 2016, I failed Human Geography. I have never failed a class in college before, this marked the first. I was hugely intimidated by Animal Biology and Organic Chemistry, so I ended up referring to old exams to help me passed those two science classes. I’d call that cheating. Desperately wanting to end my eating disorder, I tried eating intuitively, sadly this method just made me gain weight exponentially. “Eating intuitively” seems like a legitimate reason to binge. Therefore I give myself permission to binge, in order to heal, but I am not so sure about the result. I am at my heaviest weight at the end of 2016. I am not happy. I miss the fit Claire.

One of Claire’s new year resolutions would definitely be losing weight. 48kg has always been the dream for me, since I was 15, but the closest I’ve gotten is 52kg. This year, I want to make some changes regarding losing weight. Because the old resolution just didn’t work out for me. This year’s main focus is saying goodbye to eating disorder. I want to live, I want to love, I want to look good, I want to have fun, I want to party, I want to study, there are many many things I wish to do. Eating disorder is like a 10,000 tonnes rock on my back preventing me from moving. Healing from this kind of sickness is not easy at all, considering the psychological and physical effects combined together. I need to change my habit of being a compulsive eater. But it is REALLY REALLY HARD to change a man’s behavior. When the feeling arises, I could feel myself losing control in a snap. The next thing I know I am gorging down a package of chocolate chip cookie with a huge glass of milk. IT IS BAD, and the saddest part is I don’t know how to get out from it.

In Spring 2016, I was doing really really well when yoga had my back, and Oskar. For some reason, having someone prevented me to engage in the binging behavior. Because he made me felt loved, full. That was why I didn’t need food to fill me up. Good things never last for Claire, when he’s completely out of my life, I began acting out, over and over again. I could say that I binged through Fall 2016. With all those time I could’ve used to study and get an A for Organic Chemistry, I used it all to binge and sleep. I have never seen my body getting out of shape like this before– thighs getting bigger and bigger, face getting chubbier and chubbier, tummy getting bloater and bloater. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I was a go-getter where every morning I got up at 5am to go to yoga at 6am; somedays I’d throw in some 3-mile run to keep up my stamina and tone my legs; occasionally I’d take my bike out for a 13-mile ride to UCSB to clear my head, plus it’s good cardio. Now I don’t do any of those, my brain is getting used to the sluggish Claire.

My first 2017 resolution is to get back in shape. I want to get back into the yoga playground:) I want to run:) I want to tone up my whole body again:) I want to watch what I am putting into my body as fuel:)

My second 2017 resolution is heal from Eating Disorder. I have faith in myself. I can definitely heal from ED because all the power I need is already within me. Read more, learn more, socialize more, smile more, you got this Claire!

Mt third 2017 resolution is to adopt a new way of learning. I felt shameful about the A I got for Animal Biology last semester, and how I failed Human Geography. Perseverance is the key to success, Claire. Stop saying that you’re not intelligent, be impeccable with your words! You can do this, just try harder than you usually do, and this is how you grow.

My fourth 2017 resolution is to love. People have feelings! I am too self-centered to realize this naked fact. Just because I didn’t care and couldn’t feel, doesn’t mean that other people don’t care and can’t feel too. I am blinded by food and body image. I can’t see and feel and think about other things going on. You have to change or you are going to live lonely and miserably forever.

These are the four main resolutions for 2017.

After taking animal biology only then I realize I am just an animal, like any other animals on earth. There is no other greater scheme or whatsoever for this life. I was born as a human with conscious and awareness, so use it to my advantage, to understand my nature and have a good life on this planet. Eat, love, study, work, most importantly, have fun!

This is a good post; today is going to be a great day; ciao!

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