Endorphine

First run in 2017. I dragged my ass out to the cold and to the gym for a run. My diet was off track, lost my enthusiast for yoga, hit my heaviest weight in my entire life, totally totally TOTALLY out of shape. Is this part of my recovery process? Someone said it in her YouTube video that during the healing stages, weight might increase because we are not restricting anymore, and it’s going plateau because once our body understands that we are not starving ourselves anymore, our mind and body would stop going crazy wanting for food all the time.

I almost forgot how good it feels after a workout. My whole body, muscles, digestive system are all congested. You have no idea how much food I’ve been putting into my body since the New York trip with Linh. Then the holiday season began, mama was here, A Yi was here, we also travelled to San Francisco. December was full of food and I did not workout regularly. But what surprises me is that I am exceptionally calm about hitting that weight. During the period when my mom was here, the frequency of my binge episode dropped to near zero. I binged less than five times in December, and I allow myself to eat out and enjoy food with family, these are all improvements!

If you keep telling yourself that you have binge eating disorder, then you’re giving yourself permission to binge. For now, I am going to pretend that I am normal. Not that I’m running away from reality. This is me trying to heal. I will read more books and do more research online about how to break up with BED, that’s for sure. In the mean time, I will tell myself that I am a normal beautiful young lady who is greatly loved and has endless potential to glow. I’ve been watching a lot of videos on YouTube of Yuki Kinoshita, she is a skinny Japanese girl who eats massive amount of food in one sitting. She films the whole process of her consuming all the food, while sharing how good they taste. The videos are very soothing and calming, but I’m not sure if I should keep watching stuffs like this because I’d think it is normal to eat like that.

Update– I sort of binged last night. I had a Swiss roll cake, 14 pieces of Hershey’s Cookies&Cream drops, two pieces of Cinnamon stars from Trader Joe’s, one apple, and one cup of blackberries and raspberries.

I hate the feeling of hunger, but I also hate the fullness feeling after I eat. So, what do you want Claire! I am mad at you now. Figure it out! You’re 22 now, you don’t know how to live!?

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