acceptance

Coming to Orlando to help out 阿姨for the opening of the restaurant is the right decision. I can almost predict my behaviors if I were to stay in Santa Barbara– trying very hard to drag  my ass to yoga because of the cold weather and bloated body, lying in bed all day watching people eating large amount of food on YouTube to fill my cravings, or I’d ended up binging and promising myself to start my diet and workout routine the next day. Bad, very bad.

During my visit, I spend some time of the day reading, helping the set up of the restaurant, interacting with other people, seeing bizarre things happening in front of my eyes, eating three meals at different timings because I have to fit into their lifestyles, and more. I like living like this. Seeing 阿姨 taking good care of herself makes me want to do the same thing. I also like reading the book I can’t stop overeating, the lesson for today is acceptance. If I could just accept the fact that I am fat, I am not perfect, I have cravings, and let go of the idea to lose weight, and to achieve the perfect body shape. Since I was 15, I  have never been present, I am ALWAYS CONSTANTLY dreaming about the perfect life after I hit my goal weight and lose my huge thighs. I couldn’t study well, I couldn’t hangout with friends because I had to go to the gym, I didn’t want to spend time with anyone, more and more and more! Losing weight has been the main focus of my life, nothing else mattered. But I’m slowly realizing that if I want to be happy, if I want to improve, if I want to be like Alex and William, I need to change my state of mind as a whole being.

Yes, I am fat.

Yes, I have flaws.

Yes, I have cravings.

So what?

I like myself now. Even if I don’t have the perfect legs, even if I have chubby face, even if I have flabby arms.

I am beautiful.

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