fucking santa barbara

It’s not normal. It’s not normal at all for a human being to experience this kind of loneliness and isolation. It’s sad and depressing, everyday the feeling is driving me to insanity.

What have I done wrong? Is it me or is it Santa Barbara? Why do I have to go through this kind of emotion?

Today when I was crossing the bridge from East campus to West campus, I decided to stop thinking about what is wrong. I will put these feelings away because they hurt me, constantly, every waking moment I struggle with not finding a true friend, a partner, or even a nice classmate. Running away from reality or however way you want to put this, yes, Claire is a loser with no friend and no true love. I won’t think about why I don’t have friends in class anymore; I won’t think about how other people think of me anymore; I’m done. From now on, I’ll let this flow on its own, I will treat people with love and respect. But if they don’t reciprocate, then there is nothing I can do. This is too hard, I have come to the point that I am too conscious of a being.

Is life really going to be different after transferring to a University? Isn’t it all I need to change is within me already? But how do I shield myself from negativity while continuing to working on building a social network? I don’t like rejection, I don’t like when people treat me like I’m transparent. Why is my college experience different from others’? Why do I hate this so much?

It’s only the third week and I’m already so tired of the inner battle and chatters of my mind. I can’t so this and I won’t do this anymore.

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1 Comment

  1. Hey, first off, you’re not a loser. You’re just different! I face the same thing too, we’re special. Not everyone is gonna like you, not everyone is gonna be friends with you. See, this is just nature, it’s not your fault, it’s not their fault, it’s just that you guys are different people with different destiny, with different roles to play in this world . Focus on those who are empowering you. Remember you still have us!

    Like

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