now

here we are again, talking about the same issue over and over again. I feel self-conscious and disgust of myself having repetitive thoughts, not breaking through and making improvements. I want a different college life, I want to give up on perfectionism and talk to people about me, my life, the ideas I have on my mind, I want to eat like a normal people, I want to be likable. I keep thinking that transferring to a 4-year university would  turn my life over, make bunch of friends, get a boyfriend, move in with great people, break up with eating disorder, and more and more. but how would that just miraculously happen if the way I think and the way I act remain the same? if I want things to be different, I need to change RIGHT NOW, but how? it’s uncomfortable, it’s strange, it’s unpleasant, it’s new

I recently got in touch with some YouTuber who is on a spiritual path. suddenly I found myself caught up and looking forward to knowing this person like he’s my friend. to be honest, he’s a distraction from Oskar. I enjoy getting attention from other people, I get a sense of self-worth, I hate myself for thinking that way because that makes me such an attention seeker but I also know that this is totally natural. the affection I get releases oxytocin in my brain and make me happy, eat less, and more motivated to get stuffs done. just happy.

but the affection and validation worn off so fast, I need constant stimulants and I don’t get enough for several reasons: I always live in the past and in the future, but never in the present. I would cling on instantaneous moments that I experienced and idealize it and  basically live in my memory palace. I spend a lot of time stuffing myself with food so I don’t need to deal with crappy emotions, whether it’d be stress from school work or loneliness or rejection from other people. I promise to change, little by little, everyday I will remind myself to live in the present, NOW, pay attention to conversations and interactions with other people as a practice.

pouring too much on my mind into words now I feel sick, gotta stop right here.

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